Happiness

 Lets be honest. Happiness is something we read about , maybe a movie or a play but nothing that most people genuinely reach in there lives at an early age. But I can 100% say that I am learning what happiness really is theses day in my late 20s I am beginning to realize what life is really and truly all about. First off this shit is hard its nothing easy about life living breathing eating thinking knowing not knowing wanting not wanting understanding walking talking sleeping all of these things are hard. Even when we think they are easy at some point in your life you will find that these things because a struggle. But its ok all of it is ok and Im not sure that people realize its ok am I mad at a person gets upset or emotional when someone dies. No I am frustrated with the person that allows things to take away the one thing we were born with and thats happiness. I mean really think about it when we are brought into this world the one thing that our parents always talk about it how happy we made them once we made it out of the belly. And even those whose didn't have biological parents we made someone happy just by being born. Just by living breathing smiling. Even to this day Im sure that still holds to be true. We may not be happy with ourselves but who needs that when we have friends and family to at least make us feel happy. I personally am still trying to figure out what it really means to be happy. I think that right now I am content I have happy moments. And events that make me happy or movies but I think eventually I will be truly happy. Im still learing what makes me happier then other things.

Diffrent

 Every day its something. But isnt that life Im living a life that I never knew was possible. Its different. And I like it. But like any normal human Im just waiting for shit to pop off. Its weird because Im in that inbettween stage were Im happy but Im still trying to figure out what that means. I dont really have anyone to talk to without hesitation. But honestly this may have been one of the best years of my life besides 23 23 was good. I am learing me while loving my Fiance yes Fiance its amazing to be loved so hard by one person. She is everything I have ever wanted in a person. Back to me Im stil trying to figure out wat I wanna do with rest of my life which is a every day challange in its own i battle on when I wanna  have kids I mean I dont wanna be hella old trying to have kids and lets be honest a sisters clock is ticking or whatever and its time for me to pop one out. I m ready. I love the fact that i dont have to worry about what my mate is doing or who she is doing it with. She make me feel sooo. And its kinda fucked  up through because I almost wanna do things just to cause a problem because it is tooo perfect real chill like. I am still getting use to the this way of life seeing as though the last two ass holes I had were just that ass holes...

Fancy

I type this vigorously because
Simply I am tired
Tired of everything
Nothing is what its suppose to be
And truthfully its getting to me
I don't wanna be frustrated
Uncontrollable
Eveything that I try to control
Dont seem to be real
Yet and still I steal
A reality thats not mine
But something that I would
Fancy
Fantasy
So I recalled my reality
And got so mad at me
Why is it so hard to
To just be me
Why cant she love thee
Why do I still have these feeling
That are fading to slowly
They come then the go from me
But they never stay away
This state of mind that nothing is good
And naw it wont be ok
The part of my life that has
Learn the mistakes
Why cant I just go on and learn
Why do old feelings return
But in sheep's clothing

See You Never

Like a slithering snake you intertwined me
Confused my mind
Dis-symboled my soul
Broke me down
Till there was nothing whole
All the while loving me and
Keeping me distracted
So when shit when down
All you did was Act
Seems like thats all it was anyway
 So from me to You just know its cool I understand that some people just cant do real. And that most people wont tell you how the truly feel. So for that my lips are sealed for after this entry you are no longer real. Just a fantasy in my mind no longer something that reminds me of negativity.I am free from thee. I know that we could never be. No matter what the case. I will never erase but I will just replace it with all the grace that I now have.My life is full of hell yeah and let do dis. And finally its you I dont miss. Let me just say this. This shit  I got now is like the purest bliss, True to this. Something that before in my life never existed. It was you who dised it. Blistered cause you just knew it was always gonna  be you. Im laughing now cause at some point I too thought it to be true. This is shit is to real, but probably see through to you. You will never get it and I get that too. Im coo. I wish you true happens the kind that feels like life does exist. I cease to desist that this here is a dis is more like im ok with this and I want you to feel the Bliss that I feel eveyday itS. So good that I can no longer conceal so many ways to describe it,,, but the feelings that shit is Treal.. Its more then Ideal . Im offically Idol to the likes of how I have been carried. For Im now being guided to a place that has no limts and for that Im off.

Coversations

Emotions on high
Words need to be said
But nothing comes
Looking into your
Eyes
You open your
Mouth
Hear comes the lies
In less then a
Second you conjure up
A record If you ask me
I think to myself hear we go
Again........

What the fuck is up with all these people claiming to be so real but when it comes to the truth that Real shit goes out the window, I am a firm believer that once people are apart of your life. They are gonna always be there. Whether the are there physically mentally or emotionally. But shit people dont talk about that how that person never really goes away no matter how hard we try. Which brings me to these conversations that people seem so uncomfortable with having. Dont get me wrong I dont like to have "The conversation" or "Those conversations" that usually put me in a very vulnerable postion but shit sometime you gotta do what you gotta do.It pisses me the fuck off when you and the person that you need to have, lets just call it The Talk with doesnt wanna talk or half way talks to me its quite annoying. Im like come the fuck on and spit the shit out lets move on and change if need be how thee fuck am I suppose to fix a problem that I have no idea about I mean really what the hell let that shit go and then they lie about how they really feel which fucks me the fuck up because who lies on them selfs about them self. So recently I think I offically made two of the people that I can honestly say that I have loved the most associates because they dont wanna have a real ass conversation. And its fucking me up because maybe its my approch but Ive been told on more then one occation that I wanna have my cake and eat it too which is a weird expression because if I have cake the hell yeah am eat that shit . But anywho yeah so I had to think about it the second time it was said to me and I had to say to myself. Self do you really wanna have your cake and eat it to? And I said yes I do want to eat my cake if that means holding on to a good person through friendship mean eating cake then yes.

My Twin

        Its crazy how no matter how much I try to let go the heart seems to linger and hold on to the past. Got damn sometimes I just wanna scream and pull my fucking heart out . Why cant I really just let go. I get over dem hoes but they still live on in my heart smh. So basically I have this problem where I wish their was two of me when actually there is but unforuntanly not physically. Bonified Gemini. It a  gift and a curse but its me. But shit if sometimes I dont wish I had a one track mind, Its like I skip thoughts make up thought ,put myself in scenarios good and bad re analyze like a mother fucker shits cray but thats all i know how to do is think. I live in my mind I have many lifes. Not necessarily a better ones but just a diff rent. I have realized over the years how wonderfully the heart and mind dont work together. The fuck is that bull shit all about I battle enough with myself in general now this bull shit.All these things in which no one prepared me for so how do you cope how do you know when you done and there is true closer.Who really wins the heart or the mind at the end of the day or is it everyone else telling you whats right and what about that gut feeling that your suppose to listen too. Then there is that thing where I have never been happier in my life and my carreer that I dont know how to just be happy I dont even really know what that means I can mimic It very well and sometimes it is extremely genuine but no one really taught me how to be happy from the inside out. Im a sayer not a doer, and that shit is dumb why thee fuck is it sooooooo hard for real nigga like me to do as I say.Cause honte I can give you all thee advice in the world but wont take a lick of it. So with that being said there is an inside me and and out side me and really what most see aint me.


My twin

Hello

This time I will do something different, writing with all I have holding nothing back. So allow me to intoduce myself to me. Suzette meet Suzy and Suzy meet Sue and Sue meet Suz and then everyone meet Zette. This is me and at the age of 27 1/2 I have came to except this. I be chilling though but sometimes shit gets real as it does for any and everyone at some point in our lives. So in the year of 2015 I would say that I may be slightly below average as far as the world is concerned but I like to think everyone could be doing a lil better so who are they to judge. Anywho my blogs are full of my poetry and deepest darkest thoughts of love, hate, lust. and fantasy. But im kinda over that for now so plz excuse me while I vent.  Every fucking thing is a battle with me I dont know if  I put myself in these positions or if that is just apart of who I am or is it just self sabotage. Its like I know what to do I know how to do it but getting there to actually do it is like the Hardest thing in the world. Even if its like the most important thing in the world for me I still what people like to call procratinating I like to call just taking my time. Idk but the shit is qutie annoying maybe I will get it together one day. Then there is this love thing that was sprung upon me at a fairly young age that I still stuggle with to this day dont get it twisted I love my girlfriend with all my heart but I just sometimes think (SOMETHING I DO WAY TO FUCKING OFTEN MY THOUGHTS ARE ALWAYS ON 2015) about the past relationships that I have been in and I think to myself damn son shit got real like really real  I have been in lets say about 6 real live relationships with men and women. So I know a lil something about relationships and people and love and life itself. So then there is my family in which I love so very much its just hard sometimes but this is about me so imma leave that subject alone. My current job status is of something of that I never thought I would have thought of smh and to top it off I live in Frederica De.
 


Hello